First-Date-Anxiety

An ode to all my fellow introverted queens.

If I could send the above every time I got asked on a date, I would.

Because I hate first dates. They trigger all types of anxiety in me and I am not even an anxious person to start with, but there’s something heavily intimidating about being in front of a man for the first time that just pulls every last string of my nervous system. Unlike the femme fatale that I pretend to be on social media, real life Gen is painfully shy, not spontaneous and a pathological over thinker. On a date, each and every insecurity of mine come to surface, revealing the self-conscious weirdo that hides under all this sass and I can’t help but wonder what the guy might be thinking of my looks, my personality, my body language, of the way I hold my glass, or how I breath, also how I blink - well, absolute distress.

Naturally, this cataclysm of self-doubt sprinkled with some self-destruction puts me in a state of deep agony which ends up sending off signs of utter discomfort, boiling down to me looking like a walking turnoff.

Mind you that not long ago, first dates weren’t an actual item in my life because I spent most of my early adult years in captivity, locked inside long-lasting failed relationships that also happened to be quite comfortable because at least I didn’t have to go in the wild and meet new people or entertain flatlined talking stages. But now I just have to.

And since I’m at it, let me tell you one thing: the first date system as we know it, does not work for a girl like me. Yes, my poor social/romantic skills are also to blame but after doing it for a while, I’ve gathered enough empirical evidence to support my conclusion: the way we perceive and do first dates is simply inefficient. Here’s why:

Men love to impress us (as they should) but when it comes to dates, it typically translates to extremely pompous + slightly impersonal + super intimidating wine and dine sessions. After a couple of fancy but cringe tête-à-têtes that led to absolutely nothing aside from near nervous breakdowns, not so long ago, I got to experience the nirvana of first dates on the most unpretentious and spontaneous encounter that I have ever had in my 30 years of life.

Picture that: no heels, no glam, no expensive wine nor truffle loaded menu, just us two barefoot at his place. Blissful calmness, no waiter coming in and out asking if we want more wine while interrupting an already excruciating and fragmented conversation. Simply me and him talking and laughing for hours in one of those cloud 9 soul intersections that could never happen at some busy context, at least not with a person like me.

I never felt as connected and in touch with someone who I had met just 48H prior to that. So much that physical interactions didn’t feel inappropriate or rushed. I wasn’t worried about sounding dumb or too deep, everything made sense because the moment was right. No sweat, no distractions, nothing but our personalities shining through - and I promise that I’m not romanticising the bare minimum, yet I do believe that simplicity has once again proven to be the best remedy, specially for an introvert like me. And I am not alone. I’ve had countless conversations with friends who, unlike me, are extroverts and very much comfortable with meeting new people, but they’d often leave first dates slightly unimpressed and yearning for more because “first dates are hardly the greatest and it just gets better with time.”

I don’t think time is the issue here. I think it’s the circumstances in which we place ourselves that prevent a deeper bond. The less there is going on around you, the closer you get to each other, the easier it is to connect and the smoother it feels to be with a semi-stranger for the first time.

If you’re not convinced, here’s another true first-date-short-story: a friend of mine met this girl through IG and as your common alpha male, he immediately invited her on a nice date. But it was pouring and super cold outside so she suggested that he went to her place instead, for some pizza and wine - because, why not? So he went, and the next day he called me raving about how this was by far one of the best first dates of his life. He had never experienced such smoothness and intimacy with a total stranger before, and that totally changed his perspective on the ideal first date. Because the girl wasn’t outstandingly amazing: he had met funnier, smarter, prettier women BUT the mood was so right, that it allowed a connection that ranked their date as one of the most memorable and enjoyable of his life. Again: no sweat, just vibes.

So what if we are overcomplicating interactions that should start by being plain and easy? Not gonna lie that I’ve once been enchanted by movie-like first dates, straight out of our favorite Rom-Coms:

me walking in the restaurant on that mean slow-motion runway walk, dressed to impress - looking like pure sex, the wind blowing my hair, Amerie’s One Thing playing in the back but that just happens to not be my thing at all. It doesn’t bring out the best in me, at least not on a first in-person interaction, not before we have actually established some type of bond that allows us to effortlessly enjoy the moment without overthinking it too much.

Long story short: dates should start simple + intimate and only then transition to bigger more elaborate occasions.

Having said that, now I have to learn how to covey this concept in a way that the guy doesn’t feel like I’m subtly requesting to be slutted out all night long right on our first date. Any ideas?